


Wait Til You Hear This

by midnightstreet



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Dirty Talk, Eavesdropping, Patrick Brewer is Thirsty, There is not a single solidly-built wall in all of Schitt's Creek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:48:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27351454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightstreet/pseuds/midnightstreet
Summary: For smallumbrella's prompt:Ted is good at dirty talk. Like, shockingly good.Or, Stevie overhears something and needs to share it.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Stevie Budd & Patrick Brewer, Theodore "Ted" Mullens/Alexis Rose
Comments: 18
Kudos: 124





	Wait Til You Hear This

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smallumbrella](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallumbrella/gifts).



> Lower your expectations, people: I totally cheated on this prompt.
> 
> Also this is unbeta'd, so. Yeah. Lower them _way_ down.
> 
> Takes place between Housewarming and Rock On.

The bell jingled above the door to Rose Apothecary with an alarming violence that could only indicate Stevie’s arrival. Patrick turned from where he had been restocking candles to watch the friend in question slam her messenger bag down on the counter.

“We have a problem.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Your future brother-in-law.”

“My...my _what_?”

“Get that look off your face; you know exactly who I’m talking about.”

Patrick continued to gape at her like a fish.

“ _Ted_ , you fucking moron. Ugh.”

Patrick coughed, standing up straight to try to look in control, and rolled his eyes. “Okay, I’ll bite: what _about_ Ted? Did he...did he do something to Alexis?” Patrick set the box of candles down gently before clenching his fists, ready – in his mind, at least – to defend David’s sister’s honor.

“Oh, nothing. It just turns out Ted is a fucking _master_ of dirty talk.” Stevie informed him with vaguely horrified glee, like she was excited but didn’t want to be.

“Ted? Ted _Mullens_? The animal puns guy? Did you find a joint in one of the motel rooms again? I keep telling you guys–”

“He told her he was going to make her _drip for him_.”

Patrick slammed his mouth closed.

“That’s. Uh.”

Stevie nodded vigorously. “Yeah. Right there with ya, buddy. I believe, ‘I want you to choke me with your thighs,’ was another phrase he used. He followed that one up with, ‘gonna get my tongue so deep inside you...”

Patrick stuck a hand in his pocket. Casually. Totally casually, yup. “I. Um. Wow?”

“Wow.”

“Wait, how exactly do you know this?”

Stevie laughed at him. “Oh Patrick. Sweet, naive Patrick. You _know_ how thin those motel room walls are…”

“You were eavesdropping, is what you mean to say.”

“What, like I have any shame? Pfft.” Stevie stalked toward the back room, emerging triumphant a moment later with a bottle from their recent delivery of semi-decent red and a corkscrew. 

Patrick was so used to this that he didn’t even bother to object. “So, wait, what’s the problem, exactly?”

“The _problem_ , Brewer, is that I can never look at that dork the same way again. And, in keeping with my general, you know...personality...I couldn’t keep this to myself. I mean, can you look at me with a straight face and tell me you’re not just a _little_ turned on at the idea that that nerd of a veterinarian has dirty talk game? _I_ certainly don’t want to be turned on by this.”

Patrick coughed awkwardly, thinking back to Ted in his, uh...outfit...at Patrick’s housewarming party.

“I wasn’t sure who I could share this with, but I know you want to hit that, so I figured you were my best bet.”

“I do _not_ want to “hit that!” Patrick objected, knowing as soon of the words were out of his mouth that it was obvious his protest was pathetic. “Um. It’s just, I…”

There was a clatter to Patrick’s right, followed by the flush of a toilet. David emerged from their small bathroom, red in the face, with – oh dear god – a piece of toilet paper stuck to his Rick Owens.

Stevie actually looked contrite – though only just barely; a smirk was battling its way up to the surface – for once. “Oh. You’re here. Uh...oops?” 

David began pacing the store, hands flapping around, looking back and forth between Stevie, Patrick, and Patrick’s crotch. He finally took a deep breath and spoke.

“Some things, once heard, cannot be unheard. But we are still going to try.” He flipped the sign to ‘Closed’ and locked the door. “Stevie, get that bottle open. **Now**.”

Patrick was wise enough to know that chastising David for closing the store at 2pm on a Friday was not the right move, here. He took a few deep breaths, then ducked into the bathroom while no one was looking.


End file.
